My pitas page

Back in Blue... Dress Blues
Well I'm back, whether anyone of you want to believe it or not Boot Camp for the Marine Core is hard and mentally challenging and physically if you've never played a sport before. I can't hardly believe I did it myself, I wake up every now and then reminding myself I'm home. I'm actually home. I was sure I wouldn't make it. Every now and then I be worn and torn on the verge of loosing it. I had to keep my motivation though, I was known for being the loudest and most motivated recruit. This impressed my Senior Drill Instructor a great deal. This is what kept me safe from unwanted attention probably all of boot camp. You had to work hard to keep it though. Once the regular Drill instructors find out you got safety from your SDI they look for every oppurtunity to tear you apart. So most of my Boot Camp was dodging punishments and doing my best to do things right. So I did ok but it was unbearable at times. Hikes were unreal, 100 pound pack in blazing heat full cammies on for 10 miles. I got to the squadbay after finishing are longest hike and I was in utter pain. My legs were numb and my back hurt to move. I was on my knees between my rack resting wondering what the hell I was doing here and why am I going on. I thought of all the people that motivated me, Kat, Kris, Jesse, Linda, Bill, Val, all of Noname, my family and all my friends. This recruit wasn't here for himself, he went to become a Marine so he could benefit others. Promises he made even if they weren't kept he kept his part of his no matter what. That's what got this Marine through his training. Now that I'm a Marine, I feel like me but I feel invincible, stronger, more able to do what I do best before I went to bootcamp only ten fold.

Semper Fi and Goodbye
Sunday, June 22, 2003. Well today is the last day. Kat finally read this even though I wanted to leave before I let her. Anyhow she confronted me on everything, it just never seems to clear up and more angst is exchanged. Nothing good is coming out of us trying to understand what happened I think. I’m just going to apologize and make peace of all this. I want to leave on a good note today. I’m really sorry for all the things I said about whoever those people were that gave her insight I guess it was harsh. All well, yet again I don’t know what to do. Told my mom it was going to be all right, she’s getting hysterical. I apologized for to family for me being so cold to them. They all thought it was stress from upcoming boot camp. That wasn’t the case though and so I apologized to them. I won’t have time to be depressed or just to angst in boot camp. I have to leave on good terms. When I come back maybe I will be a better person than what I thought I was. Who knows? Goodbye everyone, it’s been fun. Sorry about this crap piece of a journal. Went on listening to my rambling and angst. I guess it was just the topic of the latest, when I get back I will tell of my misadventures and not anything else to make it up to you all. Semper Fi.

Nani?
Friday, June 20, 2003. Sigh, I brought up the White Marsh idea to Kat again to see if she wanted to, it was odd though, she started talking about watching Lain Sunday with me and Derek. She seemed so against going to White Marsh. She kept asking me, why you want to go to White Marsh, so out of the way, I have nothing to do here. I’m like what the fuck! Don’t you see I’m trying to treat you to a night out before I go? I don’t understand, was I asking too much, what the fuck? I went to Sakura with Sam instead, it was nice, and I love their food. I wish I could be with her though, I really just want to go somewhere with her. I want her back so much; I don’t care how long it takes. She’s the only one I’m interested in right now. Swear if I found out whom those fucking bastards were besides her parents that filled her head with such endless depressing doubt to the point she broke it off. I will fucking kill the bastards that ruined it! Ruthless cold blood murder is what I feel like I could do, to equal how cold and ruthless their actions were. Of course I will never do such a thing because I’m such a great wonderful guy, just one wonderful fucking person, I’m so nice, I couldn’t harm a fly. Shit, people are going to be surprised one day. Anyway that was scary. Two more days left until I leave, it doesn’t matter how I do it now, I just want to see her face. I never have been able to sleep soundly anymore ever since things went nutty. I just want to get boot camp over and come back. I get ten days after boot camp so maybe I can get things to be good again. I still will throw out my dreams of Japan to have a possible future with her. You know I totally screwed this journal up, all I have been doing is talked about very few subjects and probably bored people by now, I’m so sorry. Shit, I just wish I could do something that make things work out for sure. I really want to cry about this, but no tears come out. Sigh.

Calm Happy before the Storm?
Thursday, June 19, 2003. Finally, It is a good day! Only a few more days, I’m not scared oddly. Everyone is rooting for me. The only thing I’m scared of is flying. Ha! Ha! I feel pumped, I’m so excited, and I’m going to be great! Talked to Kat after a while that seemed like forever. It started off really depressing and she seemed distracted. I got her attention and we really hit it off in the ending though. I feel so good, and I love talking to her! Hope her and Ursa can go to White Marsh Mall with me tomorrow or on Saturday. I’m on my knees and praying, this would so help me get ready for boot camp. Since I’m going to leave soon to I want to see her face and be with her before I leave the most. Ursa is going to draw a comic on my misadventures of boot camp. I think we might have a best seller here. She’s been really supportive, I thank her so much for it too. She is the first one that told me that I could do it and go for it. Most people were like all depressing like, hang in there, don’t hurt yourself, it’s going to be rough. Ursa is like go! I think I had tears in my eyes when she said that. Yeah, Kat and Ursa are going to send me chapters of manga in the mail too. Yes!

Anime Meeting
Tuesday, June 17, 2003. Wow! Failed at making a four-week straight writing. I was hoping I make something good out of this whole thing. Should I continue you when I get back from boot camp? Anyway, the last post was from a song called Wind from the manga turned anime series Naruto. I love that song, a lot of people do too though, so sorry if I feel like I’m just repeating what people say. I really don’t. I like the last part. Well, things didn’t turn out the way I planned. Kat wants me to leave her be and respect the fact that she doesn’t want a relationship until she’s like older in four years. I do respect that, but somehow I think people don’t understand why I’m upset. There is a desire to want to be able to come back to her later on, four years later. Sadly it’s very unrealistic and… well it’s not unrealistic, its just very hard and I can’t promise her I will be back. I might just disappear in the end. My persona can’t stand it in this country anymore. It’s too painful. I want to escape again. I want to find peace and happiness. To put it in the words of Vash! The Stampede! “LOVE AND PEACE!” I was a zombie at the last anime meeting, didn’t care, was so upset, and just lost the will to be me. Kat was there, and not in pants… wow. Quite new, I figured she had just came to church but she was in a skirt, dress, ah I don’t know. It looked nice though. Didn’t look her way though very often, it hurt too much. Friends instantly knew there was something wrong with me. Jesse took me aside and asked me what’s wrong. I said nothing, she quickly returned with a “Liar!” Frankly I didn’t care if I was a liar or not, I don’t like making super emotional scenes in front of everyone. I’m not like that, to me burdening people with my problems bugs me, but I gladly do it for anyone else. Talked to Jesse later and she gave me harsh criticism which hurt but was very cool I must say. I was like “Wow Jesse, your so cool!” Then Val wanted to see me so I walked around with him and talked it out, but frankly I don’t think I cleared it up a lot with people. I just wanted to put them all at ease. I still don’t feel any better. Then went to go see Linda, she seemed to be worried the most. We played magic, and I walked her home and we sat and talked till sundown. Felt very awkward but nice. She eventually got into talking about how she wound up in Bel Air, and wasn’t quite a happy story and she talked about her ex boyfriend. When she talked about him her face lit up and shined. It made her so attractive that I couldn’t keep my face from staring at her. Then I suddenly felt awful, so I told her, that she didn’t have to worry about me being sad anymore. I have no right to be sad or put on a dramatic scene and not be myself around people I care about, people have gone through worse. I’m still a broken man inside though, I feel horrible, deceived, foolish, and deluded. Those are my feelings. Feel just like when it was middle school years for me. Wrathful, vengeful, want to take everyone down with me. I’m a very selfless person, I don’t ask for much, but when I want something in my life I don’t get it. Do I not deserve it, I know I sound cocky but I’m not really cocky at all so what. I deserve to be cocky! Everyone so cocky about themselves and pick me apart at all my faults that are so obscure and little. It’s so annoying! I didn’t ask much for this relationship, just to be with Kat. Circumstances and obstacles I could easily of taken care of got in the way though. I didn’t for her sake though. I did everything for her sake; it feels like it was all in vain though. Girls ask for unselfish boys and ones that aren’t superior over them. Hell I give you that but what the fuck happened anyway? And what the hell! People putting in their noses into this telling her all this crap and doubt and making her lose faith in this relationship. What relationship! These people destroyed it before it could start. Damn you all, I swear I’ll make you all pay; I will never ever allow this to happen again. Next time if I get the chance, anyone that gets in my way will be erased from existence and annihilated! I won’t let this mistake ever happen again. Never again!

Wind
Sunday, June 15, 2003. “Cultivate your hunger before you idealize. Motivate your anger to make them all realize. Climbing the mountain, never coming down. Break into the contents, never falling down. My knee is still shaking, like I was twelve, Sneaking out of the classroom, by the back door. A man railed at me twice though, but I didn't care. Waiting is wasting for people like me. Don't try to live so wise. Don't cry 'cause you're so right. Don't drive its faiths or fears, 'Cause you will hate yourself in the end.”

Ugh!
Monday, June 09, 2003. Sorry people for not writing, I don’t feel like it. I don’t feel like doing anything anymore. I don’t even care about boot camp anymore. Drill Instructor could punch me to the ground and I just fucking lay there. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m thinking trying to figure out how I can correct things, but I’m still lost. Anyway the party sucked, made a ton of money so what. Now I got to right fucking thank you notes, that’s gay too. I don’t want to be a Marine; I just want to be happy.

Crack Happy Comics
Wednesday, June 04, 2003. Well I’m not in a super depressed mood today, I have been lately but frankly I’ve been having a good time. Keeping myself occupied with Armored Core 3. Giant fighting robots, it’s so cool. I hope they’re invented someday; we have a new cold war all over again. Ha! Ha! You wouldn’t need firepower on these things, just scare the living crap out of people. Kat’s working on her comic, so on her online journal she wrote how she doesn’t feel like talking to people online and phone. If it helps her on her comic then so be it. I really hope she wins some position in the contest. It will make her even more motivated than she already is right now. That and I want to imagine how happy she is going to be if she wins. Seeing Kat happy to me is like a crack addict getting a rock the size of a football. Sorry, really lacking on good analogies there, it was funny though. Tee he! Got to do more PT tomorrow. My muscles are still recovering! Please take it easy on us Corporal Smith, I’m trying to keep physically in shape and study this stupid book too! Wish the ranks were the same in Starcraft. The Marine is a Private; the Siege tank is a Sergeant…

Useless
Monday, June 02, 2003. It really hurts, I really think she hates me or doesn’t see me as that hero she can look up to anymore. I really am going to have to go into the Marines to catch up to her. She’s such a good person, maybe she doesn’t know it but she works hard. I hope she gets her dream, to go to a nice college and become an artist. Make an anime of her own one of these days. I really wanted to be part of that dream, or help contribute to it, but I just made things worst now. I wanted to pay for her college. I was so ambitious, I’m feeling a loss of will now though, and I’m so useless. I just finished reading or well not really but basically read all the good important stuff of the book, Keep the Faith. It’s about an upper-class father having all his kin do upper-class things and then his youngest son decides to be a Marine. To him that’s something lower class people do. Anyhow I learned a lot about the hardships I’m going to go through boot camp. I can do it, I want to do it without them breaking me, and I’m going to be the strongest, impress everyone, and become great. Greater than I thought I was. Maybe I can be someone she looks up to again; maybe I can match up with her then. I also want to be strong; I don’t want to be useless anymore. People keep asking me what I want for my birthday, you can’t give it to me. It’s not and object, and something out of reach. If I’m lucky and I do well this time we will have it. So don’t bother, I don’t care about gifts, my mind is on so many other things now, I really just want one thing. Selfish I am, even though it may seem I’m not. I work hard for it though, don’t I deserve to want things, I mean what I want isn’t a selfish give to me but a selfish need to give. God I really must be confusing you people, why do I talk in riddles, maybe I think I’m so cool like this. I hate it.

Graduation, Defiled Hope, and White Marsh
Sunday, June 01, 2003. I wonder, what happened those seven hours on March 23, 2003. What happened that seven hours after 2:39 PM that changed all the hopes after that time? I have stumbled upon a lost AIM Log file, and when I read it… I got a quick taste of what that moment was like back than for just a second. Reality kicked in soon after that, I couldn’t get the taste and happy feeling back. Why do the strongest fall and the weak linger on? What happened to let such strong hope fail, what happened? What the hell fucking happened! I have my ideas of whom, but I have no proof. I have good educated guesses though that can’t be far from the truth. Anyhow, I haven’t written in this for a while, I’ve been busy or kept forgetting. I graduated, hip-her-fucking-ray! Should I be happy? I’m not; I graduated big deal, and something everyone does. Other things are on my mind, I got other goals and problems I need to assess too. I don’t have time for happy graduation day, my school years are gone, so what, good riddance. The only time I was happy during school was elementary years and this final senior year with the Noname crew. To most of these pathetic children in this school I’m not interesting, the funny part is the hilarious irony that I just go above their heads not their interests. Poor little Bel Air trash, it saddens me that common sense seems to be a recessive trait these days. I hope there is ‘hope’ for these people, but hope is only good when it’s not being poisoned and rotted from the core with doubt from foreign influences. I hate when I speak in riddles, sometimes I understand what I’m saying and other times I think I’m speaking for someone else living in me. Creepy is it not? Fear me! Bah! Ha! Ha! Ha! Going to White Marsh is fun, it can make any good person’s self esteem rise when they see such hypocritical trash walking about clad in bondage or cliché dark black Goth clothing misusing the term individual. All you fools put your characters in factions now and days and act the part you think you can assign yourself to and make life easier. “Oh I’m the individual outsider Goth. I wear black because the world hates me and I hate them.” “Like, I’m the dumb blonde, okay?” “I’m the jock that everyone in school knows about.” “Hey, what’s up nigger? I am counting my hoes cause I’m a playa!” All you fools put yourself in factions so you can play a part that makes it easier to analyze your being. I’m being very harsh, but I wish I could let you people understand that this is not the way. This is not you, the beauty of humanity is its uniqueness and how one person can go and make it’s own path. When you pick a stereotyped faction to belong to you degrade your being and just show how you don’t wish to find or like your true self and like playing your own part. You want to a pride of belonging so badly you pick a spot and blend it as best as you can. What has happened to you people? Can’t you see the error of your ways? Be you, critique yourself, don’t fall into stereotypes and let you be your own faction. In fact, get rid of factions! Let there only be individuals and let their similarities bring them together and their ideas unite but not their personalities mold together. I wonder what I’m speaking is right?

Awards, UFO's, and Bad TV
Wednesday, May 28, 2003. Well had Senior Awards ceremony. That was gay, nothing exciting they didn’t announce me of one of the few that is going into the Marines. Very pissed off about that. There was only three of us they could of called on us. Screw them; all those high GPA people and Nation Honor Society can blow me. I’m going to get 100% tuition without scholarships, Marine Core all the way! Hey something interesting is coming on, USSR releasing UFO stuff to public. Well I don’t know if I believe in Aliens, so what if they exist, big deal people! They exist than that just means they are highly developed smart… animals! Ha! Ha! Funny stuff. Seriously though, Aliens are just like viewers of reality television, they can’t pull away. We act like a bunch of little green men when we sacrifice valuable time finding out if the stereotypical bad guy on Survivor falls for the ugly fat chick. Sigh, I hate reality television, they should all die!

Fate, Pride, and Blasphemy
Tuesday, May 27, 2003. I was feeling pretty crappy today, but now I don’t. I’ve regained a good amount of my pride back, the good kind. The kind that helps you go on when you feel like it’s going to end. It’s the one that holds my ambition for me. I feel unstoppable right now. If Kat wants me to back off fine, it hurts so much, but I’m just going to come back and get her back. Sigh, really this is just wasting precious years together but all well. I’m feely cocky. Fate is bullshit, I as a human make the decisions! We as humans can overcome fate with our will! That is what makes us different from animals and why we are special. I think it would disappoint God if we were that weak willed and gave into fate. God wants you to submit but don’t be a freaking wuss! Ha! Ha! I’ll have my blasphemy with a side of stubbornness please. If fate doesn’t work out with me well I’ll just raise my two middle fingers, dodge his lightning and move forward with an ambitious sick little smile. Anyhow did some PT at the recruit station with Smith today. Never drink milk before getting physically active. Oh the pain, I wound up vomiting finally after feeling like crap. Ugh! I think my IST is in good shape. I got everything down pact just need the book knowledge now. Feeling a little eager for boot camp now, I want those little pesky DI’s to yell in my face so I can let it go out the ear and through the other. I want them to try and break my character and me. Ha! Ha! Another reason why I joined, I want to laugh insanely at how this stupid American training tries to break me. The thought makes me laugh. I can do humble, I’ll do what they want, hey I have respect for any idiot that can go on screaming and not become a mute from it. This is going to be the most fun Boy Scout summer camp ever. Ha! Ha! Bring it on BITCH!

Microsoft Blues
Monday, May 26, 2003. Jesus, Microsoft Word can piss me off sometimes! Freaking goes all crazy on me and drives me insane. Sigh, today was so dull for Memorial Day. I was gorgeous out, but I had nowhere to go or places to see so I just open up all the windows and let the nature come inside. We had family over and cook up some hamburgers and polish sausages. Not bad, I wonder why they call them Polish sausages? If I took a bite of the earth from Poland, would they taste like it? They’re good, but a tad bit greasy and filling after a few bites. Ugh! Kat wasn’t online the whole day! I found out she was at Pennsylvania for a pilgrimage to St. Tikhon’s. Kat and Ursa went there because of some holy icon of this St. Tikhon’s. I was quick to make a corny role-playing joke by asking if the icon gives plus two to all attributes. It was very corny indeed even for someone who knows role-playing. I like corny jokes sometimes because the people’s expression for the sheer stupidity is funnier than an average wisecrack. Well I didn’t get to talk to Kat today, but at least she is home. I hope she gets my email; I’m still really upset for what I have done. Now I just really want to talk to her two days and I feel like I’m going crazy! Got to go to a Physical Training exercise tomorrow at my recruit station. Haven’t done so for a while, they’re probably pissed at me big time. It’s just I’ve had no means of transportation at all lately, and I just been too depressed to do anything physical. When your heart is aching you be surprised how much energy is lost. You probably could do better with a gallon of blood lost, than an aching heart. When you’re in love though and everything is right in the world you can’t believe the surge of energy you get from it! After being with Kat or we have awesome times talking or what not, I tear it up at my job the very next day. I would practically be skipping in my path and nothing could bring me down at all! I wonder if she feels the same way? Kat is so busy with work and all arranged activities that I also wonder are even her own choice to do in the first place. I heard from Shawn that she talks about me a lot and Colleen said the same thing. I doubt she talks much about me anymore. I’m so fucking retarded! I’m going to beat my head on the table now, then continue this nifty game on Civilization Three to calm my nerves.

Garr...
Sunday, May 25, 2003. I have four weeks left before I head into boot camp. I’m going into the United States Marine Core. A lot of people think I’m insane for going into the hardest branch, but if I am going into any sort of military job I want the best. I’m not going to half ass anything. Good amount of people think I’m making a good choice as well. It is mostly my folks and older adults, I guess they see opportunity they missed and they want me to pursue it. That makes sense. I’m still trying to understand why I took up going into the Marine Core. It’s complicated really; it has changed many of times if I have any reasons at all that is. Basically I hated how my life ran in this country. The cruelty, gluttony, perverse natures, and ways of people who live here is disgust me. Also, how shitty my life was around seventh grade and so on really got me hating everything. Frankly I was trying to blacken my heart and become a cold person to deal with it all. My plan was Japan; it was a childhood interest from ignorance involving ninjas and stereotypes turned into a deeper better understanding. I have always heard how the community there in Japan is strong and how people that go there always want to go back. I made that my destination of eternal retreat. I was researching colleges and ways of getting there during the beginning of my senior year. A little late I know, but I wasn’t sure I could do it in the first place. The money and complicated system to get to Japan is not an easy task. College tuition is very inexpensive there from my searching on the Internet, but the housing is insane! Japan is extremely populated though for a country about the size of Montana. Anyhow, I was serious about the task and I was constantly bringing it up to my parents. They seemed to brush it off and not believe I was really willing for this. My mother constantly brought ill supported rumors about how horrible the country is without really being open minded about the idiotic sources she got it from. Mainly the reason she did this was she hated the idea of me leaving far away; it got me furious with her. Eventually I was at the arcade enjoying a fun game of Dance Dance Revolution when a uniformed white pale looking male and a black female walked up to me and talked to me about the Marines and asked me to stop by the recruiting station. I complied and we set up a date to pick me up to visit the next day at three o’clock pm. Sergeant Jones was the one who drove me there, quite a funny guy. When I got to the recruit station in Bel Air, I noticed all the Marines benefits and how I could use it to get to Japan easily. I hated this country though, why would I sacrifice my life for it? A favorite episode of Rurouni Kenshin kicked in my brain. The part where Kenshin is talking to Sanosuke about how the Meiji era isn’t done growing yet and even though it’s corrupt and you hate it you can fight for it to stay alive so that it may one day change its ways to something better. I applied that for my reason to defend this idiotic country, I can defend it hoping for it’s better future I guess. Frankly though I wound up justifying it with the fact that I be using the government to fill my own ambitions and that felt pretty good! I could hear the evil laughter in my head. The next minute I’m all ready signed up! I go to MEPS the very next day and get physically violated by an old man. After that, I’m a future Marine. That was almost too easy, don’t you people want to check my psyche? Well here I am that’s four weeks from boot camp ready to be yelled at like a dog from a Drill Instructor. Nothing knew for me really, I think I can handle it well; I’m well adapted to being treated like a dog. I was also foolish enough to challenge my father in ‘who can scream the loudest when were mad contests’ too. I think I can handle that; the only thing that’s going to bring me to tears is they have to cut my hair. Why the hair! Why! Tell me why you bastards! I think I have new reasons to join the Marines though and new regrets. I’ve finally met friends I feel at peace with and make me think twice about leaving. Now that I got friends that view me as an important person and think of me as someone they want to have around is great. I also foolishly but not regretfully have fallen helplessly, hopelessly in love with a girl, who just happens to be almost 4 years younger than me. Wow do I really know how to push it or what; I should start banging my head right now. Her name is Kat Mukai and she’s a brilliant artist for her age. Not just an artist she’s incredibly mature, composed, smart, and unique in her view for her age as well. I can’t see her as someone who is fourteen at all. She’s more mature than any ditzy, retarded, manly, ghetto, blonde female I have ever met. Well it is America and that’s pretty much the female majority of this generation now. It’s disgusting! The only other genius girls I know our Jesse and some others. Oh my god Kat has the most gorgeous long black hair I die for too! I hope she never ever cuts it! We have a great strong communication and friendship that started out first so what are relationship stands on is a pretty strong foundation. I can talk to her forever, her mere presence or just speaking with her makes me so happy, and yet when we part from talking even, I am so melancholy and sad to the point I feel empty inside. I have such a crazed passion to be around her always, because I feel like I can always be myself around her and not feel judged no matter what. I put on an act of different types so people can like me and not get lead away from being friends of me. Whenever I try and be myself though, it either goes over the person’s head to the point that they think I’m the idiot. Quite ironic really, but this pains me greatly so I do whatever it takes so I’m a more comfortable person around these people. Even if it burdens me to the point that it hurts so much. When I’m with Kat I don’t have to be like this at all. I can be myself around her and she thinks I’m perfect, and I make her happy and this thrills me to the point of endless joy I could explode. I also look up to her traits and skills. I’m pretty sure that’s why I love her so much, and more. The love only grows stronger too as I discover more. I don’t really have an idea why she loves me so much though just hints and ideas. Seeing as she so young though I can’t be close to her very much alone. Her parents won’t allow it. I know I’m three to four years older but I’m going to be a Marine! I don’t get it! My parents are four years apart and met when my mother was 15 and my father 19. Why doesn’t it work out for me! It’s not fair! Finally when something so great that makes me happy is in plain view someone wants to obstruct it! That’s where I get in to the past couple of days. I really have fucked up with her to the point I wouldn’t be surprised if she can’t find me as perfect and that special hero of hers anymore. What have I done, I was so childish, and it was so stupid. After Kat and me decided to be more than friends and confessed are love it just seemed to freeze. In a picture sense she was constantly moving ahead with other things and I was rushing behind trying to gain up, and when I feel like I’ve finally caught up it’s like she through up a brick wall in front of me saying, “I’m kind of doubting this relationship… I don’t want a romantic relationship.” I wasn’t even looking for a romantic relationship, I was so busy catching up I was just going for broke, I’m just happy with her presence! Then this brick wall comes out of nowhere and I run into it head first. It hurt so much, it still does. So like a child being left behind by his mother I went into a crying tantrum sort of speak. I was frustrated by the sudden barrier and I freaked, I got all defensive, and when I’m desperate and defensive I’m destructive, cruel, and my dark side reveals it’s ugly head or heads seeing as it seems like I have a DID disorder here. I lashed out with harsh words, only to regret them so much lately that it turned into self-hatred and I was so crazed and pathetic in my state after that. It probably scared her, made her upset, and damaged my relationship with her big time. I wouldn’t be surprised if the French could fix their army’s reputation before I could fix mine. What have I done? Will she ever look me in the eyes with a soft warm beautiful expression again? Can I be her hero or that great practically perfect person again? Will I ever be able to be with her when I come back to the Marines? I totally forgot to tell you how my feelings on why I joined the Marines have changed. I want to be a family man, I want to be able to be strong enough to support her in a future, and she wants to go to a college in New York. I want to be there. Does it even matter anymore? Do I have a chance anymore? God this hurts.